In our day-to-day lives, talking about money is atypical cocktail party conversation. Even when it comes to your spouse and family, money conversations can become strained. This may be because money represents so much more than the actual piece of paper it’s printed on.
Although money is an integral part of one’s life, the paradox is no one wants to talk about it. “Many people are more willing to talk about their sex lives than talk about their money,” says Gary Dayton, a licensed psychologist and head of Peak Psychology, based in Glastonbury, Connecticut.
Money can have profound symbolic meanings. “To many, money symbolizes comfort and living with ease, but it can also bring up scary issues of dependence, insecurity and even survival,” Dayton says.
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Etiquette and good manners may also play a role in our views on talking about money. “Emily Post classified money as a third-tier topic of conversation, making it a full class worse than sex and religion for discussing in mixed company,” says Sarah Newcomb, behavioral economist at Morningstar in the District of Columbia. “Among the very wealthy, discussing money is often considered gauche. It’s tacky to gloat. In less privileged homes, the stress of daily money management is something parents often want to shield from their children and friends.”
Money can be a surrogate for power. Money represents status, and how much money you make or have is often tied up in how successful we believe ourselves to be, says Jean Wilczynski, financial planner and investment advisor at Exencial Wealth Advisors in Old Lyme, Connecticut. “Our self-worth is often tied to our financial wealth, perhaps because that is more easily measurable against someone else’s financial wealth. We, rightly or wrongly, think that others judge our success by how much money we make or have.”
Family messages and attitudes can also impact views on money. “The person who works long hours and takes no vacations seeking to acquire as much money as possible may do so because of the messages received as a child by parents who lived through the Great Depression,” Dayton says. “There is never enough money to make you secure.”
Despite all these hurdles, it can be important for families to stop the perpetuation of the taboo. “The silence about money within the family keeps young people from developing financial skills,” Dayton says.
When money is a safe topic, you can work together to reach your goals, Newcomb says.
Here are some tips to start healthy money conversations now.
Take stock of your financial situation. Identify the areas that cause stress and make a plan, Dayton says. “If you find you are overspending, for example, brainstorm ways to scale down expenses. If too deep in debt, seek debt counseling. Put your plan down on paper, and then commit to it.”
Become aware of how you deal with stress associated with money. “Are you overeating, arguing more, gambling, drinking or doing other unhealthy things?” Dayton says. “Recognize such behavior is unconstructive and doesn’t address the source of your stress. If the behaviors are causing trouble in your life, consider seeking help from a psychologist. You don’t want the problem to get worse.”
View your challenges as opportunities to grow. “Think of ways you can deal with the stress in a healthier manner,” Dayton says. “Getting exercise is a good way to reduce the stress you feel. Having dinner in with (your) spouse and family can pave the way for better communication and bring yourselves closer together. Take a course at the local college on family finance. Develop your finance skills, and teach your family what you learn.”
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Have open and honest financial conversations with your aging parents. “Many adult children worry that they will need to care for an aging parent either physically or financially, or both,” Wilczynski says.
Find out how and where your parents want to live and be cared for. “Having the conversation without making decisions or promises is also important,” Wilczynski says. “We don’t always know what the future will bring, and I’ve seen a few cases where a child promised the parent could live with them, but a change in circumstances — remarriage, divorce, job loss, health care needs — made that impossible and that created a great deal of resentment.”
Adult children should know where to find a parent’s legal, financial and health care details. At least one of them should know where to find the will, powers of attorney, and any health care directives.
“Each of us, regardless of age, should have a listing of all our advisors with their contact information: lawyers, financial advisors, accountants, doctors and anyone else that might need to be contacted,” Wilczynski says. “Also important is to have a list of all accounts: bank accounts, brokerage accounts, retirement accounts and insurance policies. How detailed to make the list is an individual choice, but a trusted friend or relative needs to know how to locate and use this information.”
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Talking about our personal finances is difficult. “It is hard for everyone, not just you. So don’t beat yourself up over not wanting to do it,” Wilczynski says. “But do resolve to make a start. Even baby steps forward get you moving in the right direction. You and your family will be better for it.”
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Why Is Talking About Money Such a Taboo Subject? originally appeared on usnews.com
