“We’re all a mixture of talents and wisdom and stupidity and idiocy, and that’s what human beings are.”
Wise words, from one of our most important modern day thinkers, Jon Ronson. He is neither a psychologist nor a psychiatrist, and to my knowledge has never treated anyone for any psychiatric illness, and yet he has written one of the most therapeutic books imaginable. “So You Have Been Publicly Shamed” addresses the pandemic of public shaming on social media, which leads to untold human suffering and even mental health issues. The book illustrates how poorly thought-out actions can lead to punishments that ultimately do not fit their respective crimes. The stories in Ronson’s book teach us that if we can be more forgiving of others and ourselves we can ultimately become better, more psychologically healthy people.
When I was 13-years-old on October 27, 1992, Bill Clinton visited my hometown, Tampa, for a rally. In school that day, I watched with my classmates as our downtown area filled like I had never seen before. On January 26, 1998, this man, who I was certain would change America forever and for the better, made the most famous statement of his presidency: “I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Ms. Lewinsky.”
Following the failed attempt to force President Clinton from office, the affair became part of a bigger picture of a man of unparalleled strengths but all-too-common shortcomings. For just under 20 years, history has not been so good to Ms. Lewinsky. The affair, the cigar, the blue dress became her defining elements in the public mind. While the president would have a chance to keep on adding chapters to his biography, his former intern’s legacy appeared to be etched in stone. Ms. Lewinsky was like many everyday people who these days find themselves the subject of notoriety — and public shaming — on social media.
This past month, though, Monica Lewinsky may have made her blue dress just a small part of her life’s legacy. On March 19, she gave a speech on cyberbullying, “slut-shaming” and all other manner of torture doled out on the internet on a daily basis and often by and against the young. The speech showed a confident woman of 41 whose lecture could have easily been given by a college professor. The crowd reacted with the equivalent of a warm embrace, and you could sense her transition from a shamed 22-year-old judged for her earlier actions to someone respected for her ability to speak out against an issue that not only affected her, but that is afflicting today’s youth.
In Ronson’s book, we’re introduced to people who became overnight internet sensations — and not for the better. They are people who surely made mistakes, mostly through impulsive comments made louder by the seemingly infinite echo chamber that is social media. Many paid with their reputations and jobs, and some even with their families and friends.
There’s the woman who devoted her professional life to helping adults with disabilities; a woman beloved by her clients and their families alike. In an insensitive and poorly thought-out moment, she posted a photo on Facebook of her making a lewd gesture at Arlington National Cemetery. Within weeks, the image flew around the internet and so much pressure was applied that her employer fired her, to the dismay of those she had spent years helping.
Monica Lewinsky and the woman with her middle finger extended both had their moment of shame. Their blue dresses were out there for all to see. Who were the shamers? All of us who clicked on links calling for their condemnation. Not only did we as a society allow one mistake to define these human beings, many of us also relished in deriding these individuals until we moved on to the next person who made a regrettable decision.
After a great deal of time suffering shame, unemployment and uncertainty, the woman from Arlington Cemetery is employed, taking care of kids with autism and her indiscretion has been mostly forgotten.
It bears repeating: “We’re all a mixture of talents and wisdom and stupidity and idiocy, and that’s what human beings are.” We can take ourselves out of the shame business by standing up when the next foolish post is made by a friend or stranger and remind people that everyone has had their worst hour, just many of us are fortunate to have not had it play out in front of millions of people.
As a psychiatrist, I often find the “shamer” and the “shamed” in the same person. I see people suffering shame after being exposed for an embarrassing but wholly common and natural indiscretion. Other times I see people suffering near unbearable guilt after participating in the shaming of others. Some of the worst suffering in my patients are those “caught” by the public for the very actions they excitedly shamed others for committing. My time with patients proves again and again to me the overall argument of Ronson’s book. If you are able to forgive others, you will move closer to being able to forgive yourself. Forgiveness of both others and yourself can serve as a thruway from despair to self-acceptance. Breaking the cycle of shame leaves you more able and willing to give strength to others who may one day walk in your shoes.
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Breaking the Cycle of Shame: a Future Beyond Our Own Blue Dresses originally appeared on usnews.com
