Ah, love at first board meeting. Or was it the open bar at the holiday office party that lured you to each other? Or those long nights working on the Penske file when Cupid’s arrow took the form of the “reply” button, transforming your email exchange from professional to pillow talk?
Office romance is bound to happen to you or a colleague. In fact, a CareerBuilder survey from Valentine’s Day 2014 found that nearly 40 percent of U.S. workers have dated someone within the same company. And according to Lisa Mainiero, author of “Office Romance: Love, Power, & Sex in the Workplace,” this hefty percentage of workers makes sense. “People are drawn to each other because they already have a lot in common,” she says of co-workers. “And they often start off as friends, which is an excellent foundation for a relationship.”
While the relationship’s foundation may be solid, the whole dipping-your-pen-in-the-company-ink thing can get messy. Here are five rules for balancing your work life and romantic life:
1. Make a playbook. While the first (and second) rule of Fight Club is “You do not talk about Fight Club,” the first rule of working with your S.O. is “Talk the heck out of any weirdness, jealousy or misgiving.” Mainiero, who is a professor of management at Fairfield University in Connecticut, has surveyed many colleague couples in her career. She says the most successful pairs discussed possible complications before they occurred and made plans for heading them off. For example, both individuals may agree to speak up if feeling smothered, jealous of a promotion or unnerved by workplace gossip. They may also discuss what they would do if they broke up but continued to work together.
This kind of talk may not be easy, Mainiero says, but it’s proven effective for many couples. “That’s a sign of real interest in each other and a sign of strength to say, ‘OK, here are the guidelines,'” she says.
2. Expect some professional competitiveness. Mainiero lays out a few office romance scenarios: First, one partner may report to the other, in which case Mainiero says most companies will separate the individuals to eliminate the conflict of interest. Second, the two are peers who work in separate departments, which Mainiero identifies as the “ideal scenario.” Third, the two are peers working on the same team.
No. 3 is the toughie. As if agreeing on which color to paint the walls wasn’t enough of a relationship strain, now there are opportunities for one of you to get the raise, promotion or lucrative project while the other doesn’t.
“If they’re in the same department, that means they’re following the same career path,” Mainiero says. “So, there can be professional jealousies and lots of issues that can arise from almost being too close together in the same department.”
In these setups, she says creating those guidelines for openly communicating feelings becomes even more important. Stephan Labossiere, a certified life and relationship coach, says you have to both realize that this type of competitiveness is bound to happen, so discuss these situations ahead of time, and agree to talk through them when they occur.
Labossiere also urges couples to think like a team. “Come to an understanding that we’re in this together. My promotion is your promotion,” he says. “If one of us is moving up the ladder, we’ll eventually be able to pull the other one up as well. So let’s not fight each other’s progress.”
3. Keep it professional in the office. In Mainiero’s research, the most successful couples “drew a strong boundary line” between their work and romantic lives. They didn’t drive to work together, eat lunch together, smooch each other in sight of their co-workers and then hang out in each other’s offices behind closed doors. “They didn’t do the high school thing where you’re living life in a fish bowl,” she says. “Their workday is their workday, and their personal life is their personal life.” Co-workers appreciate this boundary, too, she points out, “because no one likes kissing in the office.”
Another teenage faux pas to avoid along with kissing by the lockers (er, cubicles): Giving in to gossip. You and your partner got in a heated fight? Keep it to yourself. Don’t feed the office chatter. “People talk. There’s no way around it,” Labossiere says. “And you never know who might say what.”
He also points out that in a work environment, co-workers will likely see you take so-and-so to lunch or flirt with the gorgeous new hire. While this may be innocent enough, do you think a bored co-worker would rather write a report or indulge in rumors of foul play? To fight gossip, be totally honest with your partner, Labossiere says. That way, when someone spills that your S.O. took so-and-so to lunch, you already know about it and that they were reviewing a business proposal as they ate. “You really have to communicate everything,” he says. “Don’t leave anything out, because then you leave room for co-workers to create trouble where there really was none.”
4. Make some space. Sure, you love (or at least like) your partner, but what’s that they say about too much of a good thing? “If you see each other all day possibly, and then if you’re living together, you’re seeing each other at home — it can wear on people,” Labossiere says. Both individuals should carve out some time just for themselves or with friends. “You have to have your own world to a certain extent,” he adds.
5. Move on if you have to. Talk about needing space: What do you do if you and your partner break up but still bump into each other in the break room every day? Mainiero suggests creating distance between you and your ex by moving to a different department or a new city with the same company. “Once people break up, it’s important to move forward,” she says. “You just need a fresh start.”
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5 Rules for Dating Your Co-Worker originally appeared on usnews.com
