Deep down, we know The Truth: No amount of shopping can fill the existential void within us. It is never enough. It never can be enough.
Annnnyway … wanna buy some cider vinegar gummies?
Get excited: Amazon Prime Day is closer than you think. The retail behemoth’s annual Black Friday in July will be on a Monday and Tuesday this year: July 15 and 16. And like any good retail event, it will include a streamable all-star concert headlined by Taylor Swift.
Of course, you have to be an Amazon Prime member to enjoy it all. That will run you either $13 a month or $119 a year. (Cough-cough, a free 30-day trial is available, too, cough-cough.)
And membership has its benefits, such as “predominantly one-day delivery”; access to Amazon’s Prime Video service; and even discounts at Whole Foods.
More immediately, you’ll see discounts on “more than one million deals around the world” on a range of seemingly random products, similar to the day after Thanksgiving. There will reportedly be added deals at Whole Foods, as well.
Prime members don’t even need to wait until July 15. Dozens of products are making their debut as “Prime Day Launches,” and they’re already available to order. A sampling …
- TWS Bluetooth earbuds ($39.99)
- Fellowes Corsivo height adjustable standing desk ($249.99)
- Petcube Bites 2 smart pet camera with treat dispenser ($199)
- Lodge four-piece cast iron cookware set ($92)
- Pure apple cider vinegar gummies ($14.85)
Bottle the lightning
Some of the Prime Day discounts will be what Amazon calls “lightning deals” on “top-tier” brands that only last a few minutes.
“Due to the nature of these deals, many will have limited quantities and could sell out fast, so Prime members should come back frequently to view new deals launching throughout the 48-hour event,” Amazon advised in a prepared statement.
You probably can’t stare at a web browser for 48 hours straight on both a Monday and Tuesday, so you’ll need some high-tech help. CamelCamelCamel and Keepa are services that allow you to set up price watches and price alerts and even to import your Amazon wish lists. Product price histories and browser extensions are also available.
Let them do the work for you so you can work on that spreadsheet … or your tan.
Not primed? You can still save money
So you say Amazon has a monopoly on everything and you’d never give them your money? OK. What if I told you that this year’s Prime Day will feature deals from “small- and medium-sized” businesses, per Amazon? And that there will be a page of deals dedicated to “U.S.-based innovators, artisans and entrepreneurs?”
Nope, you say? Well, you’re still in luck: Target and eBay are going to free-market the online giant with special sales events of their own.
At Tar-zhay, July 15—16 will be known as Target Deal Days. (“No membership required,” sneers the bull’s-eye.) A similar event last year was one of their biggest days for online sales, they said.
“This year, we’re giving guests more discounts across even more of our assortment, with two days to save on hundreds of thousands of items and offering the best options in retail for delivery and pick up on their terms, including same-day,” said Mark Tritton, executive vice president and chief merchandising officer.
As for eBay, its bid to rival Amazon comprises three weeks of deals. It begins with a week of discounts on “summer essentials, appliances, and more” July 1—7. After that, “Hot Deals for Hot Days” will be in effect July 8—22.
And on July 15, eBay will have its so called “Crash Sale,” consisting of “doorbuster savings on top brands … with a fresh batch of too-good-to-be-true deals that will drop if [Amazon’s site] crashes.”
“For three full weeks, shoppers will find great deals on the things they actually want,” eBay sniped in their statement.
Be nice, you guys. Some of us actually do want a jar of those gummies.
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