When kids move from elementary to middle school, they go through enormous developmental changes ranging from physical and emotional to cognitive and social. Adolescence is the largest period of growth since the time leading up to the age of 2.
Although the timeline for physical changes varies widely, brain growth for all teens goes into overdrive in a developmental process that continues until early adulthood. The changes prime teen brains for learning, adapting, new self-perceptions and socializing with a shift toward peers and peer relationships.
“Teens are suddenly far more acutely and painfully aware of their perceived weaknesses and how they stack up against others,” says Phyllis Fagell, a school counselor and author of “Middle School Matters: The 10 Key Skills Kids Need to Thrive in Middle School and Beyond — and How Parents Can Help.”
“They’re at a point where they are starting to pull away from their parents, but they still very much care about all the adults in their lives,” Fagell says.
For parents, the changes can be bewildering and require adapting your parenting style. Here are seven ways to support your new middle schooler and help your relationship thrive.
Shift to a Coaching Role
As children enter adolescence, they need to begin developing the independence and self-advocacy skills that will benefit them throughout high school and beyond. Your sixth grader needs your parental support more than ever, but middle school is the time to begin shifting your role from boss to coach, experts say.
“When parents don’t give kids autonomy or teach self-advocacy skills, kids have a more difficult time adapting to change and navigating different scenarios in adulthood,” says Erlanger Turner, a licensed clinical psychologist and author of “Raising Resilient Black Kids: A Parent’s Guide to Helping Children Cope with Racial Stress, Manage Emotions, and Thrive.”
As tempting as it may be to leap in and fix problems, guiding your child toward their own problem-solving pays dividends for them down the road, experts say.
Encourage Self-Management
Middle schoolers need space to figure out things on their own. Developmentally, middle school is the time to start letting your child handle decisions about things like managing homework, asking for help at school or resolving a social conflict.
Your fledgling teen may push you away for some things but want you to handle others. Figuring out your role can be tricky because as you step back to let your tween step up, they still need to know you support them.
[READ: How to Keep Kids Motivated and Engaged at School.]
But “productive struggle” builds critical thinking skills, self-regulation and perseverance, experts say. Help your child weigh the pros and cons of a decision they’re considering, or say something like, “If you need me to help, let me know how I can help,” Turner says.
Here’s how to provide support from the wings:
— Model how to send an email to a teacher, and then step back to let your child do it.
— Resist the urge to contact another parent if your child has a friendship conflict.
— Help set up a study environment and organizational system, but don’t sit next to your child as they complete their homework.
— Ask about their plan for handling something, and be curious rather than judgmental.
Monitor Social Media Use
Kids still need guardrails, particularly around social media. Connecting socially online takes center stage for many middle schoolers, but your child needs time for in-person relationships with friends and family and developing skills like enjoying reading and the ability to self-entertain, Fagell says.
Finding the balance can be difficult, but it’s necessary, experts say.
Too much time spent on social media “can be detrimental to mental health and academic success,” Turner says. He recommends working together on healthy limits.
“Working with your teen in a collaborative way to understand why they use social media and to set time limits is important to help promote time management and healthy use of technology,” he says.
Allow Mistakes
It’s understandable to want to protect your child from mistakes, and schoolwork in these years may feel consequential. But middle schoolers need the opportunity to develop the resilience to come back from a botched exam or a social blunder.
“I call middle school the last best chance,” Fagell says. “The stakes are low if your child makes a mistake, but the stakes are high if you don’t allow them to make mistakes.”
[READ How To Support a Child With Test Anxiety]
As tempting as it can be to shield your kid from missteps, it’s crucial to let them experience and handle the outcomes of their choices, she says. Some things are outside their control — being dropped by a friend, for example — but they still need space to handle the problem their way.
Offer support, not a quick fix, experts say. “Even if they seem disengaged when you talk to them, they’re taking it all in and very much care what the adults in their lives think,” Fagell says.
Become a Listener
Middle school means a more complex school day with multiple classes, a larger school, more students and a fast-changing social scene.
When your child comes home from school, “They’ve navigated 2,000 different stressful interactions over the course of the school day, and they’re exhausted,” Fagell says. Don’t take it personally if they don’t want to talk on your timeline. “It’s an age where you want to seize the opportunity when you can.”
Consider small tweaks to questions as you ask your child about their day. For example, “instead of asking, ‘What did you learn today?’, ask ‘What did your teachers talk about?'” Fagell suggests. That shift puts the focus on the teachers and makes the question less personal.
Problem-solving may be your first instinct if your child brings an issue to you. But “it’s more important to try to understand what your child is going through and to validate their feelings,” Turner says. Listening may even help them solve the issue on their own. He recommends checking in regularly to foster ongoing open communication. It sends the message you’re in your child’s corner, whatever they’re going through.
The teen years are an emotional time with intense emotional responses, and learning to manage big feelings is an important skill, Turner says. Your willingness to be a sounding board helps your child sort their emotions.
[Read: How Middle Schoolers Can Get Ready for College Applications]
Foster Identity Development
In the teen years, exploring identity is a vital developmental task that forms your child’s sense of self. “Middle schoolers need to pull away in order to individuate and figure out who they are,” Fagell says.
Teens become more emotional and sensitive, but they’re also cognitively capable of more complex thoughts and awareness of complex issues.
“Middle schoolers are thinking a lot about who they are, who they are in relation to their friends, and what their personal values are,” Turner says. “They may be thinking about who they are based on their racial or ethnic identity.”
Middle school is an important time to introduce supportive mentors into a child’s life. Teens from minority communities may become aware of negative messaging, like what they’re capable of academically or whether they’re an ideal candidate for a certain career path, Turner says.
You can support your child in developing a positive self-image by helping them find groups or clubs to support their interests and their emerging identity, including school clubs, civic organizations or religious groups. Getting involved in volunteering can connect a teen to a cause meaningful to them.
Model Healthy Coping Practices
Your child watches how you handle your own emotions and habits. Teens know when you’re saying one thing and doing another.
“We might say to our child, ‘You should go write in a journal’ or ‘Take a break from social media’ and then we don’t always do those things ourselves, so modeling healthy coping practices for your child is important,” Turner says.
Your child may not know that getting off their phone or getting outside will make them feel better. Modeling your own strategies for handling stress and finding balance shows them you practice what you preach.
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7 Ways to Support Your Child’s Transition from Elementary to Middle School originally appeared on usnews.com
