Jenn H. always had a rocky relationship with her mother.
“As a kid, I tried to blend into the background, but there were still a lot of outbursts and anger that upset me a lot,” she says. “When I was older, I decided I would stop reacting to pretty much everything. I gave very neutral, bland answers when asked any question.” She would acknowledge what her mother said without reaction or further discussion.
At first, Jenn found this only led her mother to try harder to get reactions from her.
“She continued to escalate, screaming and name-calling, and, generally, saying horrible things,” Jenn recalls of one particularly bad incident. “I did not react, other than to say the discussion was over, and then I calmly walked out.”
Jenn cut off contact, but they still saw each other occasionally at family events, during which she employed the grey rocking technique by becoming unresponsive.
“If she were to try to talk to me, I would go totally flat and unexciting to not encourage any further conversation,” she says.
Jenn was unknowingly using a now-viral social media trend called the “grey rock method,” or “gray rock method,” a technique that involves you becoming as uninteresting as a grey rock in the face of a narcissistic, toxic or otherwise unpleasant person’s provocations.
“Becoming like a rock as a way to stop engaging in an unhealthy dynamic is an idea people can quickly grasp and apply in disentangling themselves from toxic situations,” says Isabelle Morley, a clinical psychologist and author of the upcoming book “They’re Not Gaslighting You”.
Here’s what it is, when it should be applied and how best to use it.
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Understanding the Grey Rock Method
Grey rocking combines aspects of several validated clinical techniques, including:
— CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). The grey rock method emphasizes minimal responses and the use of “I statements” to improve communication; both techniques are similar to those used in CBT.
— Behavioral extinction. Behavioral extinction theorizes that if a behavior doesn’t produce the desired reward, it will eventually stop — like a parent ignoring a toddler’s whining. In grey rocking, the behavior is emotional abuse and manipulation, and the reward is attention and engagement.
— Emotional regulation. Grey rocking is also grounded in emotional regulation skills, as the victim learns to stay calm and not react intensely. However, this can be very difficult to do in the face of emotional abuse.
— Boundary setting. Another pop psych term heard often lately is “holding boundaries,” which is also part of grey rocking.
— Trauma-informed care. Grey rocking can be part of the strategic withdrawal from a toxic person while maintaining safety and security, and may be done under the guidance of a psychologist or social worker.
Grey rocking is utilized when dealing with narcissistic people who thrive on getting reactions out of those around them. According to the American Psychiatric Association (DSM-5-TR), narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by grandiosity, a need for admiration and a lack of empathy.
“Narcissists love to receive a reaction from their partner, but the grey rock method doesn’t give them the reaction they so desperately need, cutting off their oxygen to manipulate and control others,” says Natalie Jambazian, a Los Angeles-based therapist specializing in narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder.
[Read: Grounding Techniques: Exercises for Anxiety and Panic Attacks]
How the Grey Rock Method Works
Grey rocking works two ways: by dissuading the perpetrator and empowering the victim.
Dissuading the perpetrator
The emotional abuser is looking to engage their victim and get a rise out of them.
“An apologetic response, an angry one, confusion, despair — they all provide fodder for someone to continue manipulating your emotions, control the narrative and keep you hooked,” Morley says. “By disengaging entirely, you leave them nothing to work with.”
Emotionless, short responses don’t give them the satisfaction of baiting you into an argument. They may volley more accusations at you, but unless you return the ball to their court, it will fall flat.
“The hope is that over time, the narcissistic person would get ‘bored’ with you because you have nothing to say, and move on to bothering someone else,” says Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist and author of “It’s Not You: Identifying and Healing From Narcissistic People.”
Empowering the victim
Distancing yourself from the emotional abuser — especially if it’s someone you can’t cut off completely, such as a coparent, coworker, neighbor or family member — can relieve anxiety and emotional turmoil, helping you feel worthy and more in control.
“This method is like a shield to many survivors,” Jambazian says. “Narcissists are prone to attacking, making false accusations, projections and twisting blame. This method helps to not give into their tactics of emotional manipulation.”
[READ: Therapy Red Flags: 8 Reasons to Leave Your Therapist]
When and How to Use the Grey Rock Technique
Here are some specific examples of grey rocking:
Situation #1: Your coparent ex sends an accusatory, angry text message, but the underlying reason for the text was to ask what time you’ll pick up the kids from soccer. Grey rock response: You ignore everything else and simply say, “I’ll be getting the kids from soccer at 4:30.”
“This works because you are staying focused and not engaging in a battle by explaining or defending yourself,” Durvasula says.
Situation #2: Your narcissistic family member confronts you in person at a family event with a tirade of untruths. Grey rock response: Do not defend yourself, explain or say things like, “Please don’t raise your voice” or “I never said that.” Simply show you are listening by nodding and saying, “Hmm” or “I see.”
“This works here because you are not getting dysregulated alongside them,” Durvasula says.
Other minimal responses to use include:
1. “OK.”
2. “I hear your request; I am unable to do that.”
3. “Thanks for your input; it is noted.”
4. “Refer back to my lawyer.”
5. “I will let you know.”
6. “Thanks for sharing.”
7. “Message received.”
Limitations of Grey Rocking
Grey rocking isn’t meant to be a long-term solution for staying in an emotionally abusive relationship. Rather, it’s a short-term solution while disengaging or when some contactother person is necessary, such as when coparenting after a separation.
There are certain specific situations that call for caution when grey rocking, including:
— In front of children. Be careful when grey rocking in front of your kids or other vulnerable people. A narcissistic partner may get angry that you won’t fight with them and respond by escalating the argument by saying accusatory things to you or unkind things about your kids in the hopes of getting a response from you.
— Around others or in a group situation. Witnessing grey rocking may make others uncomfortable. They may think you’re stonewalling or being passive-aggressive, even though the goal of grey rocking is self-preservation, not punishment or control.
— With a violent or physically aggressive person. The grey rock method can actually be dangerous in the wrong circumstances. No one should test out or use the grey rock method with someone who is physically abusive. If domestic violence is a part of the dynamic, grey rocking could lead to more physical aggression and a greater risk of harm or death. Working with a licensed therapist can help you develop a safe and effective plan for distancing yourself and ending the relationship.
What Is Yellow Rocking?
In light of some of the dangers with the grey rock method, another take on the strategy has emerged: yellow rocking, a slightly more cordial and polite version.
For example:
— Instead of a dull “No,” say, ‘No, sorry we can’t do that.’
— Instead of a dull “3:30,” say, “How about 3:30?”
— Include conversational filler: “Hey, nice sunny day, isn’t it?” or “Hope you have a nice weekend.”
“It seems less hostile, but you’re still not saying much,” Durvasula explains.
Bottom Line
Grey rocking is useful for disengaging with narcissistic or toxic people, especially when you’re forced to maintain some contact.
Even though it was developed by social media users, rather than mental health professionals, psychologists say the grey rock method can be valid when used with caution.
“I do think there’s merit in its concept, particularly when you view it as a combination of other strategies: boundary setting, emotional regulation, disengagement,” Morley says. “The next step for an idea like this is to be researched and validated before people wholeheartedly jump on the bandwagon.”
Free, anonymous, confidential help is available through the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 800-799-7233 (SAFE), texting “START” to 88788 or going to thehotline.org.
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What Is the Grey Rock Method? originally appeared on usnews.com
