If you’re in a strong, healthy relationship, chances are you and your partner care for each other’s well-being, value one another as individuals and affirm your feelings with ‘I love you’s.’ But if you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, your relationship may not feel so supportive. Rather than show you love and care, a narcissist may disregard your feelings and prioritize themselves over you.
Narcissism is a personality trait — and at times, mental health condition — characterized by selfishness and a lack of empathy for other people. Being in a relationship with a narcissist can put a strain on your emotional health, and acting narcissistic in a relationship can hurt the people close to you — or push them out of your life.
Read on to better understand narcissism types, causes, symptoms and potential cures.
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Types of Narcissism
Narcissism tends to be dominated by three main qualities — or character traits — that most narcissists share. These are self-centeredness, entitlement and a lack of empathy for others. Narcissists can exhibit additional character traits too, which may vary based on the type of narcissism they have.
Three main types of narcissism are:
— Agentic grandiose narcissism
— Communal grandiose narcissism
— Vulnerable narcissism, or covert narcissism
Agentic grandiose narcissism
Agentic grandiose narcissism is a type of narcissism that is accompanied with a pompous or pretentious attitude about oneself. For instance, an agentic grandiose narcissist may act arrogant or haughty, be prone to scoffing or smirking at other people’s ideas or say things to suggest they think they are better than everyone else.
Agentic grandiose narcissists value status, power, dominance and superiority — and show this through their actions.
“They’re the ones that are pretty easy — in the scheme of things — to identify,” says Dr. Amy Brunell, a psychology professor at the Ohio State University and researcher who has authored many studies on narcissism.
Communal grandiose narcissism
Communal narcissism is a form of grandiose narcissism which, like agentic grandiose narcissism, is accompanied with a pompous or pretentious attitude. Unlike agentic grandiose narcissism, however, communal narcissists look at their self-centered values from the lens of a “communal domain” or a society, Brunell says.
“They see themselves as the most helpful person, the person who’s going to change society in this positive way,” she explains.
Vulnerable narcissism
Also known as covert narcissism, vulnerable narcissism is a form of narcissism that differs from grandiose variations. While vulnerable narcissists remain self-centered, entitled and holding little empathy for others, they are characterized by additional traits of low self-esteem and victim mentality that are less common in agentic or communal grandiose narcissists.
“Their entitlement comes across a little bit differently,” Brunell says. “They’re mad that they’re never getting the credit that they want or the attention that they want. A lot is coming from this more vulnerable place of not mattering as much as they feel like they should.”
She adds that vulnerable narcissists can be vindictive and manipulative, and have the mentality that “everyone’s out to get them.”
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What Causes Narcissism?
More studies are needed to understand how people become narcissists. There is likely more than one cause. Some researchers hint that genetics could play a role, while others point to outside factors like how people were raised as children and messages they received from adults or guardians.
Is narcissism genetic?
Whether or not narcissism is a genetic condition is up for debate. According to some studies, narcissism may be “highly heritable.” However, this has not been proven. Additionally, the strength of this connection can be challenging to affirm from observation alone.
Jankee Pandya, a behavioral health therapist at Providence St. Jude Medical Center in Fullerton, California, says there “isn’t much research on if genetics plays a role” in narcissism, but that it may be a factor for some people.
Pandya adds while a child with a narcissistic parent could become a narcissist themselves, this might not necessarily result from the gene pool but rather the environment that the parent raised the child in and the messages they fed them.
“For example, if a child was raised by a narcissistic parent, experienced abuse, or was even given excessive praise, there is a chance that the child could develop those same traits in adulthood,” Pandya says.
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Signs of Narcissism
Some narcissists are easy to identify, while others can be harder to pinpoint. In personal or romantic relationships, certain red flags can give you intel on a narcissist’s status. While these signs may clue you in to a potential narcissist, they should not be used to self-diagnose yourself, a loved one or a colleague as a narcissist.
Red flags that you’re dating a narcissist include:
— Your partner lacks commitment
— Your partner is constantly cheating — without remorse
— Your partner is looking to “trade up” in terms of finding a better partner
— Your partner needs to win arguments
— Your partner gets hostile during arguments — even if these arguments are small
— Your partner does not value you or your relationship
— Your partner cares more about their status in a relationship than caring for the other person
— Your partner cares more about personal appearance and how they look in the relationship than the relationship itself
Brunell emphasizes how narcissists can express unwarranted anger or hostility when they encounter a disagreement with their partner. She recalls a study where a couple — in which one partner was a narcissist — was taken into a lab and asked to plan a hypothetical vacation together. The exercise was positioned to examine the couple’s communication style and relationship dynamics. But while the topic and setting of the conversation appeared harmless, Brunell says things turned hostile when the couple encountered disagreements.
“Narcissists get ugly in that conversation,” Brunell says. “They say that they’re less committed to their partner afterward.”
The study highlights how even when discussing a hypothetical scenario, “you can still see the nastiness turn on,” Brunell says.
Additionally, if you suspect your partner is a narcissist, be wary of their motive for being in the relationship. While many people pursue romantic relationships in search of love and care, Brunell says that narcissists have reasons of their own.
“If you ask narcissists what they’re looking for, they’re looking for status and power and to look good,” Brunell says.
Narcissism and gaslighting
Gaslighting in relationships can also, in some cases, be a sign of narcissism.
“We don’t have the direct data, but when you play games with your partner — making them guess if you like them or not, or cheating on them and then making them feel like they’re crazy when they confront you — those kinds of things are consistent with gaslighting,” Brunell says.
While a narcissist could gaslight you in a relationship, this doesn’t necessarily mean that they will lie to you. If they’ve been cheating, for example, Brunell explains that people may at times lie to escape conflict but may at other times admit to cheating — but not admit that they were wrong for engaging in it.
“I’ve heard about someone narcissistic basically saying ‘yes, (I’ve been cheating,) stop ruining my good time,'” Brunell says.
They may also suggest that you are making a bigger deal of the incident than needed and that there is something wrong with you, instead.
Narcissistic thoughts vs. actions
From her many years of researching narcissism, Brunell says that one thing she finds interesting about people with this personality trait is how their perceptions of themselves don’t always align with reality.
This can include a narcissist’s perception that they are better than everyone else when they are not, as well as narcissists’ perceptions that they are riskier or less faithful in relationships than everyone else.
On self-report measures, for example, Brunell says narcissists often score high on risk taking. “But if you assess them on behavioral measures of risk, they don’t necessarily perform differently than anyone else.”
Do narcissists know they are narcissistic?
Research suggests that narcissists are aware of their narcissistic status — and how other people might not like them because of it.
“We have more and more evidence showing that they are aware of their traits, they’re aware that people don’t like them, they’re aware that their reputation sours over time, but they still have a sense of ‘that’s your problem,'” Brunell says. “They think that their narcissistic traits might serve them personally in a good way even if, interpersonally, it creates deficits for them.”
Narcissist Behavior vs. Full Narcissism
Narcissism runs on a continuum, so it is possible to act in narcissistic ways every now and then without being a narcissist.
For example, maybe you are acting particularly self-absorbed and entitled one day. If you continue to act this way, or if this is your normal way of acting, you could be a narcissist. But if later, you take time to think about your actions and make adjustments to better others, this might not encompass all of who you are.
Still, there’s not a set start and end point on the narcissism continuum. So it can be tricky to know for sure if you or someone else is a narcissist.
“As far as we know, there is no real ‘cut off’ for being a narcissist,” Brunell says. “There’s not a scale I give you and if you reach a certain part of the scale, then you’re a narcissist.”
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Is Narcissism a Mental Illness?
Narcissism can be viewed both as a mental illness and a personality trait. Because narcissism runs on a continuum, some people may experience low levels of narcissistic traits without having a diagnosable condition.
Other people may experience more substantial narcissistic traits and become diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder. NPD is a diagnosis that must be made by a clinician and should not be self-diagnosed.
How to diagnose NPD
“Diagnosing NPD can be difficult because it can also be present with other mental health diagnoses like depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, substance use and other personality disorders,” Pandya says.
She explains that in order to get diagnosed with NPD, a patient must meet criteria for five out of nine traits of narcissism displayed in two or more settings, such as romantic relationships, in the office or emotional regulation.
As per the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, the nine criteria for narcissism are as follows:
1. Having a grandiose sense of self-importance, such as exaggerating achievements and talents and expecting to be recognized as superior even without commensurate achievements
2. Preoccupation with fantasies of success, power, beauty and idealization
3. Belief in being “special” and that they can only be understood by or associated with other high-status people or institutions
4. Demanding excessive admiration
5. Sense of entitlement
6. Exploitation behaviors
7. Lack of empathy
8. Envy toward others or belief that others are envious of them
9. Arrogant, haughty behaviors and attitudes
NPD can also be hard to diagnose because a narcissist may not seek help on their own.
“A narcissist may not seek out help due to their defensiveness and grandiose sense of self,” Pandya says. “A lot of those who have been able to get help have had loved ones, family and other external factors helping them.”
Brunell adds, “Especially with a grandiose narcissist, they feel good about themselves.”
“When they are going for treatment, it’s typically because they’re having problems with their relationships (or) problems at work. Because why would you go if you feel good about yourself?” she says.
Vulnerable narcissists may be inclined to seek help for other conditions, such as low self-esteem, anxiety or depression, which may be co-occurring with their narcissism. This could lead to an NPD diagnosis.
Can Narcissism Be Cured?
Narcissism can be treated or managed through psychotherapy interventions — but it’s unclear if it can be fully cured. Changing your personality is no small undertaking, even if the narcissist is willing to put in the work.
“You can only really change your personality with therapy and with a lot of effort — and even then, I still think that it will be a slow process and very difficult,” Brunell says.
As an example, she says to think of a friend who is incredibly introverted and the steps they would have to take to become extremely extroverted.
“People can see that that’s really hard, right?” Brunell asks. “You’re talking about a similar process when taking someone who’s narcissistic and trying to make them not narcissistic. It’s possible — there’s definitely research suggesting that there’s hope — but it’s going to be really hard.”
Brunell notes that, for some people, therapy has been shown to have short-term success. Whether or not that success lasts in the long term — or forever — is harder to say.
She adds that she hopes future research can figure out how to make narcissism treatments and interventions effective and long lasting.
What to Do if You Love a Narcissist
If you suspect you are in a relationship with a narcissist, it could be a good decision to end the relationship. It could also be a good decision to find a therapist who can help support your mental health. However you decide to proceed in your relationship is up to you. The best choice will vary based on the strength of your relationship and the harm your partner’s narcissism is causing you.
“If you’re new to somebody, and you’re getting signs that that person’s narcissistic, I would probably tell you to get out,” Brunell says. “But so many people who contact me, they’ve been married for 20 years. It’s inappropriate for me to say you should just break up with that person.”
If your partner is open to it, Brunell suggests exploring couples therapy. If they are closed off to this idea, she suggests seeking a therapist for yourself who can help you work on how to cope.
“If I were in a relationship for 20 years with somebody — if I shared a home, my finances, my children — I would probably try, and I think it’s worth trying,” Brunell says.
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What Is Narcissism? originally appeared on usnews.com