How to Manage Significant-Other Relationships During Med School

Respect, trust and communication are the cornerstones of any healthy romantic relationship. However, medical school can introduce an added layer of complexity.

Everyone’s situation is different, experts say. Some couples might be casually dating, while others might be in long-term relationships. Some couples live together, while others are long-distance. One or both partners might be med students.

Whatever the case, experts say intentionality is the best approach.

“You can’t leave your relationship on autopilot, because it will suffer,” says Sarah Epstein, marriage and family therapist and author of “Love in the Time of Medical School.”

Here are ways couples can nurture romantic relationships during med school.

Relationship Strategies

Be Intentional

Many couples postpone adapting their relationship to the med school environment. This is a common pitfall, Epstein says.

During med school, there’s a constant sense of urgency. This makes it easy to raincheck dates or delay important conversations.

But there will always be another exam or another rotation, Epstein says. Instead of putting the relationship on hold, couples should find ways to make the relationship work.

“What does it look like to actually make time for a relationship within that (environment) rather than waiting for it to end?” Epstein says. “Because it’s not going to end during med school, it’s not going to end during residency, and depending on what kind of physician they become, it may or may not end after that.”

Austin and Kylee Darden, high school sweethearts and fourth-year medical students at the Indiana University–Indianapolis School of Medicine, emphasize the importance of quality time. This can be as simple as eating dinner together, walking their dog or scheduling a date night.

“We try not to talk about our hospital days too much because we don’t want that to completely flood over into our relationship,” Austin Darden says. At home, they focus on reconnecting with each other as partners, not medical peers.

[READ: Is Medical School Right for You?]

Communicate

Checking in with each other is a simple way to build trust and support.

“How’s this going? How are we feeling?” Epstein says. “What’s this like for you? What’s this like for me?”

Med students’ schedules can change often, especially during their clinical years.

“What your relationship needs when you’re on a very chill nine-to-five dermatology rotation is going to be different than what your relationship needs during a trauma surgery rotation,” Epstein says.

Most couples don’t experience such frequent changes, she says. For med students and their partners, these check-ins tend to be more necessary.

Be Flexible

Couples should not only communicate changing needs but be willing to adapt to them. A partner might offer emotional support or physical support, like cooking dinner or doing laundry.

“It’s not always necessarily 50-50,” Kylee Darden says. “We figure out what’s going on in that moment and if one person kind of needs to step up.”

For example, if Darden is on a less-demanding rotation and her husband is on a more stressful one, she’ll take on extra household responsibilities.

[Related:Primary Care vs. Research: Which Med School Is Right for You?]

Cultivate Support Systems

Having independent support systems, like friends or family, can be healthy for romantic relationships.

For nonmed partners dating med students, developing these support systems can be a challenge.

“If you’re dating someone in a city where you are already established, you’re likely to have your own life,” Epstein says. If you relocate to be with a partner, you will likely have to rebuild your network.

Because med students have a built-in support system at school, “it could feel really lopsided in terms of ‘What do we have in this place?'” Epstein says.

Sometimes, nonmed partners can find community with other nonmed partners. Some schools even facilitate these connections, Epstein says.

For the Dardens, having relatives who live nearby has been an advantage.

“Spending that time with family has been huge for us, and we’re lucky we have that opportunity,” Kylee Darden says.

Foster Balance

Med school is sometimes put on a pedestal, Epstein says. Its rigidity and intensity can make it feel disproportionately important.

Couples should be sure to ascribe equal importance to both partners’ ambitions and interests.

Med students should also be careful not to lose sight of their nonmed partners’ stress, Epstein says. Their partner might be in grad school, raising kids or working a demanding job.

“Their stress is not lesser, it’s just different,” she says.

Both partners should also have room to be stressed about med school, even if only one is a student.

“The things that happen to a med student are going to impact that person’s life too,” Epstein says.

[Related:9 Residency Tips for Medical School Applicants]

What About Residency?

The residency application process, and residency itself, can be stressful. Ultimately, there is no guarantee that med school graduates will end up where they want to.

Validating both partners’ feelings during this process is important, Epstein says. While only one partner may be applying, it affects both people.

When navigating life after med school, couples should communicate priorities, expectations and goals, experts say.

Couples Match, offered by the nonprofit National Resident Matching Program, allows med students to link their rank order lists as a couple. This maximizes their chances of matching in the same region.

“The first thing we did was sit down and talk about what was most important,” Kylee Darden says. “The biggest question they ask is, ‘Are you willing to be separated or not? Are you willing to live in different households?'”

For dual-med couples, supporting each other while avoiding unhealthy competition can be an added challenge, especially if they’re in the same specialty. For the Dardens, who are pursuing orthopedic surgery, communication and perspective have been key.

“Ultimately, an opportunity for her is an opportunity for us,” Austin Darden says.

Despite med school’s challenges, many couples maintain happy and healthy relationships. For Austin and Kylee Darden, this journey has only strengthened their relationship.

“We’ve been able to work together as a team to support one another and celebrate together throughout,” she says.

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How to Manage Significant-Other Relationships During Med School originally appeared on usnews.com

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