When his mother’s mental decline meant she could no longer fend for herself, William Pabst learned there’s no playbook for assuming the medical, financial and legal affairs of a parent.
Having power of attorney makes it possible to assume a parent’s financial responsibilities, but it’s still not a simple process. Barriers include institutional procedures and online security measures. The effort to sort it all out drains more time and effort than many people anticipate.
That’s what Pabst came to realize as his mother struggled with a progressive, degenerative neurological condition. Pabst, now a system administrator at Loudoun County Fire and Rescue in Leesburg, Virginia, and a former help desk manager at U.S. News & World Report, was there every step of the way as his mother’s situation continually changed.
She went from living independently in her home to repeated hospitalizations and a stint at a skilled inpatient rehabilitation facility. She received physical and occupational therapy before being released to live with Pabst and his girlfriend.
“That was an eye-opener,” Pabst says. “I had the good fortune to have a partner who had cared for her elderly grandmother. Still, it was incredibly disruptive, and we could tell we were out of our depth.”
Safety was also a concern.
Pabst located an assisted living facility for his mother, which afforded a period of adjustment and stability. When his mother died a few months later, Pabst found that even though he had all the appropriate documents, managing her estate and executing her wishes still wasn’t easy.
Professional help was a godsend, he says. He encourages anyone facing similar challenges to get that help lined up now.
“The time for building any of these structures — the will, power of attorney, the financial planning — is before you need it,” Pabst says. “Because once that ball starts rolling, it can accelerate faster than you think.”
Steps for Helping a Parent In Mental Decline
Taking over affairs for an aging parent is a vast undertaking that must focus on several areas of the individual’s life and health simultaneously. Here is a step-by-step guide to approaching this process:
1. Talk with your parent early and often.
2. Seek legal and financial advisory assistance.
3. Gather information and documents.
4. Set up account access.
5. Update documents and information regularly.
[Signs It’s Time for Memory Care]
1. Talk with your parent early and often
As Pabst’s experience illustrates, taking over affairs for an aging parent in mental decline is rife with challenges. One way to make it slightly easier is to start those conversations
while your parent is still sharp enough to able to participate in decision-making about their affairs.
“In an ideal world, it’s when the parent is approaching their later years, is still healthy and able to communicate about these issues and can have a meaningful discussion,” says Sara Czaja, director of the Center on Aging and Behavioral Research in the division of geriatrics and palliative care at Weill Cornell Medicine in New York City.
Understandably, many families put off these uncomfortable conversations.
“People don’t speak about these issues before an urgent situation occurs because it’s not a pleasant topic to talk about,” Czaja says. “You don’t want to think about someone being ill or injured or out of your life, worst case.”
Besides finding it tough to face mortality, many of us aren’t comfortable talking about finances. We also may have a complicated relationship with our parent that makes everything more difficult.
To alleviate some of these issues, Czaja recommends being transparent and upbeat when approaching a parent. And don’t lose heart if you’re coming to the discussions a little later.
“People with mild cognitive impairment can still have an understanding of these issues, as can people with mild dementia,” Czaja points out. “People are surprised by what can remain — how they can still have some input.”
[READ: Understanding the Different Eldercare Options]
2. Seek legal and financial advisory assistance
Lawyers and financial advisors who specialize in elder care or estate planning can help families manage these issues, says attorney Lena Clark, founder of an estate planning, probate and elder law firm in Frederick, Maryland. She echoes the advice to open these discussions while the parent is still able to participate in the decision-making — for legal reasons.
Once the person has been diagnosed with dementia, it’s too late, because at that point, it has to go through the courts.
“People don’t understand — they’re kind of in denial about how expensive it is and how complicated it’s going to be to get them appointed as guardian,” she says.
There are several documents a lawyer can help you draw up that will set you up to look after your parent’s affairs. These include:
— Power of attorney. Durable POA designates a guardian for the older adult who needs assistance and is a critical tool to access and manage your parent’s affairs.
— Health care proxy. Also called a medical power of attorney, this document designates a specific person to act on the patient’s behalf if they’re unable to advocate for themselves. Health proxy info also may include an advance directive or DNR statement that informs health care providers about the patient’s preferred care when approaching end of life.
— Living will. A living will is another document that makes clear the person’s wishes when specific conditions dictate it’s time to move to palliative care.
— Last will and testament. The POA dies with the person, so this document ensures the individual’s wishes are executed and assets are distributed as they designated after they pass. This document may also outline the individual’s wishes for what happens after death, including whether they want to be buried or cremated and any other funeral arrangements. Such wills can also designate an executor to make those decisions on behalf of the deceased person.
— Trusts. A financial advisor can help you set up a trust to protect your parent’s financial estate against probate, a time-consuming court-supervised process used to establish and validate an estate’s beneficiaries.
[Read: What Is a Geriatric Care Manager?]
3. Gather information and documents
It’s important to organize your parent’s personal information, including these data points and documents:
— Social security number, date of birth and other basic biographical information
— Driver’s license and passport information
— Insurance cards and any Medicare/Medicaid plan information
— Cellphone login details and lock code information
— Login information for their computer
— Credit and debit cards
— Checkbook and bank information
— Deed to the house and title to the car
— House and car keys
— Safe combination or safe-deposit box key
— Email addresses and account logins
— Social media account logins
4. Set up account access
Once you have this information and the corresponding documents, set up access to your parent’s accounts. Creating a new, dedicated email address as your parent may streamline this process so that you can manage all correspondence in one place. Changing all the account information to direct to that address can be helpful if your parent is still attempting to access accounts, as you’ll be able to assist if they get locked out.
Also set up online access for these accounts, if your parent has not done so already:
— Bank accounts
— Retirement accounts
— Social Security Administration
— Medicare, Medicaid or other health insurance provider
— Doctors’ offices and patient portals
— State income and property taxes
— Tax prep assistance service or provider
— Life insurance
— Prescription mail service or local pharmacy
— Homeowners insurance
— Auto insurance and AAA
— Utilities, including electric, gas and cable
— Landline and cellphone
— Homeowners association
While logged into these accounts, switch to electronic communications and cancel or redirect all the snail mail to an address where you can manage the flow of paperwork.
5. Update documents and information regularly
Although it adds to your to-do list, it’s important to keep your parent’s accounts updated. Clark recommends reviewing them annually to make sure all information is up to date. Also touch base with an estate planning attorney every three to five years to make sure documents such as power of attorney are still current with any new laws, she adds.
It’s a good idea to also update the mailing address for all documents to one that’s convenient for you, or switch to electronic statements for these accounts:
— Social Security Administration
— IRS
— State tax agency
— Department of Motor Vehicles or Motor Vehicle Administration
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Taking Over Affairs for an Aging Parent in Mental Decline originally appeared on usnews.com
Update 12/17/24: This story was previously published at an earlier date and has been updated with new information.
